I dont know what it is the past 2 or so weeks but I feel a little like I cant get myself motivated - I know I shouldnt be hard on myself because sometimes ones body just needs a break but I am really, seriously not liking this no energy, not feeling that well. Having a hard time convincing myself to do the normal things I normally do and that I typically enjoy (little things, my nephew it doesnt matter I always have time for him). I know this makes me sound quite depressed but I dont think it's that I think it's just that I want so badly to have a reprieve from issues cropping up and from waking up with headaches (tend to still improve as the day goes on it just is sooo maddening that my body cant get it together and feel better for a better part of the day.) This spending 1/2-sometimes more of the day with a headache and thus really tired is pissing me off I guess. Not pissed off at anyone just pissed off at my body I guess and I wish I knew how to make it better. I feel like it's this one step forward, 2 steps back dance and dang it I just want to plain dance forward! The past few days I have been waking up 3-5 times a night again and that isnt helping anything. My L leg is being all weird with charley horse type cramps that had been already occuring for several months now in my calf and foot 2-3 times a week but now occuring more often and for long periods of time (5-20mins) - these usually occur at night i'll wake up or in the morning but I think because the spasming has been going on for a while now and often for these long semi-intermittent periods that my calf is very tight and painful to touch or with walking. I sent a message via mychart to my PCP and the nurse who intercepted the message wrote back that she thought I needed to make an appt (ooh joy whats one more thing) to check this out bc it hasnt gone away and seeming to increase. Ive not made an appt yet but will do so at one of the days I am already in milw for either infusion or something else since it doesnt seem emergent more just bothersome and frustrating to me and concerning to them I guess. The other thing has been hips/low back - it really has been a little crazy - me against my body, lol. GI system other than last night which I do think sometimes is more jsut my body trying to absorb CSF drainage has been better than early a week ago and these symptoms are so similar to what I experience when I have to pee that it is what makes me think maybe my body just is reacting to so much CSF draining and working to compensate. I obviously dont know it's just a guess really.
I leave for NY on thurs and so far bc ive been so tired and feel so crappy in the mornings ive just not even felt excited for the trip - if anything I wish this meeting had been several months from now or I didnt have to go! Sad, I know. =/ I will probably never be happier then when I am back on WI soil sat night! Ive definitely come to the concluion I would much rather do day trips that dont require flying and being able to come home to my bed at night then I would to take 3-4 day long trips and have to deal with the airport and sleeping in a hotel bed! Our conference is at the Hilton-Garden Inn by Albany so should be ok id imagine. I just sincerely have no ambition to travel right now!
On a separate unrelated note trick or treating this year falls on sat by my sister so i'll get both my nephews to take and my nieces will also be along for the day with all of us. Sun is trick or treating by my sister but am not sure if we would take Z and Bella a 2nd day. Should be fun! Next weekend sun we are going to the pumpkin patch about 45mins from my sister - myself, my sister and her family, my Mom and my sister-in-law and her family.
Will try to post again soon,
Erica
ps for those reading this forgive my whininess in this post - didnt mean for it to come across as so negative but I think it kind of did!
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